Losing the family that I was planning on spending the rest of my life with has been a painful experience. It has filled me with a tremendous sense of loss.
This sense of loss, I have learned, is both natural and healthy when one experiences such pain.
I have also learned that in order to live life “all in”, not only do we need to transform our relationship to fear (to step outside the boat), but we also need to transform our relationship to pain (when we find ourselves in the water).
Understanding how the grieving process works has helped me to get through this experience in a much more empowered way than I know I would have handled it in the past. As part of living life outside the boat, I have come to embrace the challenges, failures and pain that are a part of living life. Hopefully what I share will help encourage you if you are also struggling, or if you are looking for the courage to take a potentially painful risk. (Do it, the reward is worth it)
I’m thankful that a while ago I learned about the five stages of grief. So, when this experience happened, I knew what to expect and tried not to skip ahead to just “being positive” about it (thus suppressing any honest emotions that may have seemed unpleasant). Instead, I embraced each step along the way:
- Denial – There wasn’t much of this. I knew that it was what it was, and it’s not worth the frustration of arguing with reality.
- Anger – This was a breakthrough for me. Being of a reflective anger style (more on that later) I usually don’t give voice to what I’m feeling in that department. This time, I embraced it and found several healthy ways to give it a voice. (Maybe one or two that weren’t as healthy, but I blame it on the alcohol)
- Bargaining – This is an interesting one, and though the finality of our decision didn’t much room for it, the desire to remain friends (and close with the boys I grew to love), at times morphs into a yearning to evaluate unexplored option.
- Sadness – “Hello darkness my old friend…” this is where I found myself while on the beach in Costa Rica… and the real setting for our story today.
- Acceptance – To be discovered…?
Being in paradise has far more to do with the state of your mind than it does the state of your environment.
So, here I was on the beach in paradise and I was really sad… I found truth in the statement by John Milton: “The mind is its own place, and in itself can make a heaven of hell, a hell of heaven.”
I was in the middle of paradise, but my mind was in hell. I kept playing thoughts over and over again in my mind:
- What went wrong?
- What could I have done better? Why didn’t I do ABC?
- Why did she do XYZ?
- How could it have turned out differently?
With each thought, my frustration, pain and sadness increased…. Einstein was right when he said that insanity is “doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” I was torturing myself with unproductive thoughts, and it was a downward spiral…. until I had a simple (but important) epiphany:
Thinking about the past doesn’t change it.
No amount of rehearsing what might have been was going to change anything. So I decided that instead of thinking about the past the way I was, I needed to change the way that I was feeling about the past.
This is where I finally found step 5: Acceptance. Every time I thought of the past, I stopped thinking about what might have been and took a moment to feel gratitude for what was. Very simple, but sincerely, I said:
Thank you for the happy memories.
Every time I thought of how much I loved running on the mountain with her, massaging her feet at night, cleaning up the kitchen after she made dinner. Every time I missed teaching the boys, jumping on the trampoline with them, picking them up from school, driving them to jiu-jitsu, reading with them and hearing them say “we have the best family ever”. Every time I had these thoughts (that previously would have filled me with sadness and frustration), I replaced it with the thought: “thank you for the happy memories.”
Each time I sincerely expressed gratitude for the good times we shared, I felt a little bit happier. I stopped feeling sorry for what I had lost, and starting feeling grateful for what I had experienced. The happiness swelled with each thought. Again and again I revisited each thought, each cherished experience we shared, and said: “thank you for the happy memories.”
Within minutes, pure joy filled my heart. The sadness dissipated and gratitude permeated. A smile crossed my face, from ear to ear, and I became a new person. Gratitude, had not only transformed how I was looking at the past, it transformed how I was feeling in the moment… and as that joy swelled, gratitude transformed how I looked at the future.
Gratitude grew into a feeling of hope… a hope that if I could have had it so good then, that I would be able to have that again in the future.
And that somehow, magically, it could be even better.
Since birth we have been able to resonate with other human beings. A newborn cries when in the presence of other crying babies. Bit by bit, empathy – which at first is only a simple instinctual capacity to resonate – develops and becomes the capacity to understand other people’s feelings and points of view, to identify with them.
But if this capacity does not develop sufficiently or if it is thwarted, we are in trouble. If we are insensitive to the emotions of others, each relationship becomes an impossible charade. And if we see others not as living subjects but as things, on par with a refrigerator or a street lamp, we allow ourselves to manipulate and even to violate them.
Piero Ferrucci
from The Power Of Kindness
“No one can manipulate anyone else.
In any relationship, both parties know what they are doing,
even if one of them complains later on that they were used.”
- Paulo Coelho
March 28th, 2011 in
Quotes |
2 Comments
How do the geese know when to fly to the sun?
Who tells them the seasons?
How do we humans, know when it is time to move on?
As with the migrant birds, so surely with us,
there is a voice within, if only we would listen to it,
that tells us so certainly when to go forth into the unknown.
- Elisabeth Kubler – Ross
January 8th, 2011 in
Quotes |
No Comments
The past few weeks have given me a lot to think about…
I’ve found myself wondering about what is most important to me in life. Many times I have asked myself the question:
What if today is my last chance to leave a mark on the planet? Will I be satisfied with what I am leaving behind?
While recent circumstance may have accelerated this closer to the top of my priority list, it still serves us all well to stop and consider: what kind of a legacy are we leaving?
Today we live in an amazing age where we all have an incredible opportunity to touch lives. Never before have we been able to communicate and influence so many people at the same time. Social media has given us a powerful vehicle to have a positive impact on the world. What many could only dream of in the past, is now a daily reality for most of us…
How are you using these opportunities? In what way can you reach out and share the gifts that you’ve been given to lift others?
If you have had challenges in your life lately, chances are that there is something that you have learned that you can pass along to help another in the same situation. Our gifts usually come wrapped up in a challenge, so remember to open them up, learn from them and share the value that you gain by growing through them.
Today is your chance to leave a legacy… will you be satisfied if it is your last chance?
February 1st, 2010 in
Attitude,
Goals |
No Comments
Martin Luther King Jr.
In the United States, today is Martin Luther King Jr day. It is a day of rememberance for a great man who had the courage to stand for a great cause that he was willing to lay his life down for.
Martin Luther King Jr faced great adversity in his mission but found a reason to move forward despite the challenges…
The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy.
Martin Luther King Jr., Strength to Love, 1963
The legacy of a teacher is not the name they create for themselves, but the impact on the lives of those they serve. So, even more important than recognizing the teacher, today should be a day of reflecting on the lessons left behind.
The greatest honor that we can give to Martin Luther King Jr. is to listen to his counsel… though many of the social issues have changed in the last 40 years, there is timeless wisdom in his teachings that are just as important today – if not more so. In today’s global society, the teachings of love, harmony, forgiveness and courage may be exactly what we need to heal wounds caused by ignorance and indifference.
Here are a few of the teachings that we might be able to incorporate today:
- “Forgiveness is not an occasional act, it is a constant attitude.” – Is there a way that you forgive someone today?
- “An individual has not started living until he can rise above the narrow confines of his individualistic concerns to the broader concerns of all humanity.” – How can you rise above your own worries today to serve a greater purpose?
- “I have decided to stick with love. Hate is too great a burden to bear.” – Are you allowing hate to burden your thoughts?
- “Only in the darkness can you see the stars.” – You might have troubles right now, we all do… can you see the silver lining, though? Every challenge has a gift to those who will open their eyes.
- “Love is the only force capable of transforming an enemy to a friend.” – How can you live more peacably with those you may have hard feelings toward?
- “Never forget that everything Hitler did in Germany was legal.” – Just because someone says that something is right, doesn’t mean it is. Check in with your conscience and listen to your soul… it won’t lead you wrong.
- “Let no man pull you low enough to hate him.” – We can’t control what others do, but we are in absolute control of how we respond… Are you letting your perceptions of others bring you down?
- “A man can’t ride your back unless it’s bent.” – We choose what we allow to bother us. Today, choose to be a duck. Let it roll off your back like water.
Martin Luther King, Jr. had a dream, what will you do today to be a part of that dream?
By letting just one teaching change your life, you will be someone’s dream come true…
January 18th, 2010 in
Adversity,
Attitude |
1 Comment
If I cannot forgive myself for all the blunders
That I have made over the years,
Then how can I proceed?
How can I ever dream perfection-dreams?
Move, I must, forward.
Fly, I must, upward.
Dive, I must, inward,
To be once more
What I truly am
And shall forever remain.
- Sri Chinmoy
January 14th, 2010 in
Quotes |
1 Comment
I’m not perfect, not even close. 
I really like who I am, but I recognize that I have a lot of short-comings. Both in the way that I see things (my perception of the world and those in it), and also in the way that I put into practice those beliefs (my application).
When we are wrong in the way that we see things, we are ignorant. (ie: The map is not the territory) When we are wrong in the actions we take, we are in transgression.
Mistakes Are Only Feedback
I like to think of both as missing the mark. The first because we are looking at the wrong target, the second because we are careless or irresponsible in the way that we shoot the bow.
Both are falling short of perfection, but neither need be the end of the world. Instead of seeing our shortcomings as failures, we need to recognize them as feedback.
What Matters Most Is How We Deal With Mistakes
Once we realize that we have fallen short of the mark, we then get to make a choice on how to deal with it. The end result of our choice is always alignment, but the way we go about it has a huge impact on how well it works.
The Common Approach
Justification is about being right. It is the process of making our actions come into harmony with our mindset, by changing the way we see things. This is when we say, “I was justified in doing ABC because so-and-so did XYZ”, or, “anyone would have done the same thing if they were in my situation.”
The basic theme of this approach is that the fault or cause is external. Something outside of our control, so we responded (reacted) to it according to the way we saw it. Justification causes us to change the external to match our actions.
The Road Less Traveled
Sanctification is not about “being right”, but about making it right. This is when we are willing to see the situation through an objective mind and accept responsibility. We swallow our pride and say: “What I did was wrong, and I’m willing to own up to it, and make it right. I am going to change not only actions, but my mindset. I will honestly examine my mindset & my beliefs so that I won’t repeat this same pattern in the future.” Sanctification causes us to change our actions & perceptions to match what is right.
The Choice Is Ours
Justification is a never-ending cycle that gets us the same thing over and over again. Because we are continually selling out our integrity to cover up our mistakes, it’s like changing our course to follow a star that is moving in the horizon.
“Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.” ~ Albert Einstein
Sanctification, however, is a process of growth. It is asking “what in me is causing this to happen?”, followed by “How can I chance MYSELF so that this won’t happen again?” It forces us to be humble enough to accept responsibility for the entire situation, whether it is our fault or not. It might not be my fault, but it is my responsibility is the motto of the proactive person.
The world is filled with opportunities for your growth… will you take them?
Justification & Sanctification
I’m not perfect, not even close.
I really like who I am, but I recognize that I have a lot of short-comings. Both in the way that I see things (my perception of the
world and those in it), and also in the way that I put into practice those beliefs (my application).
When we are wrong in the way that we see things, this is ignorance. (ie: The map is not the territory) When we are wrong in the actions we
take, this is transgression.
I like to think of both as missing the mark. The first because we are looking at the wrong target, the second because we are careless
or irresponsible in the way that we shoot the bow.
Both are falling short of perfection, but neither need be the end of the world. Instead of seeing our shortcomings as failures, we
need to recognize them as feedback.
What Matters Most Is How We Deal with It
Once we realize that we have fallen short of the mark, we then get to make a choice on how to deal with it. The end result of our
choice is always alignment, but the way we go about it has a huge impact on how well it works.
The common approach
Justification is about being right. It is the process of making our actions come into harmony with our mindset, by changing the way
we see things. This is when we say, “I was justified in doing ABC because so-and-so did XYZ”, or, “anyone would have done the same
thing if they were in my situation.”
The basic theme of this approach is that the fault or cause is external. Something outside of our control, so we responded (reacted)
to it according to the way we saw it. Justification causes us to change the external to match our actions.
The Road Less Traveled
Sanctification is not about “being right”, but about making it right. This is when we are willing to see the situation through an
objective mind and accept responsibility. We swallow our pride and say: “What I did was wrong, and I’m willing to own up to it, and
make it right. I am going to change not only actions, but my mindset. I will honestly examine my mindset & my beliefs so that I won’t
repeat this same pattern in the future.” Sanctification causes us to change our actions & perceptions to match what is right.
The Choice Is Ours
Justification is a never-ending cycle that gets us the same thing over and over again. (insanity is doing the same thing over and over
again and expecting a different result. OR, in other words, seeing the problem as the situation: “if i was with a person who ABC,
then…”, “the problem is cause by the economy, the weather, the actions of other people, etc”.
Sanctification is a process of growth. It is asking “what in me is causing this to happen?” Followed by “How can I chance MYSELF so
that this won’t happen again?” It forces us to be humble enough to accept responsibility for the entire situation, whether it is our
fault or not. It might not be my fault, but it is my responsibility is the motto of the proactive person.
January 13th, 2010 in
Attitude,
Failure |
2 Comments
“To be angry is so stupid that it is inconceivable that intelligent human beings go on doing it. Somebody else is doing something and you are getting angry? He may be doing something wrong, he may be saying something wrong, he may be making some effort to humiliate you, to insult you – but that is his freedom. If you react, you are a slave. If you say to the person, ‘it is your joy to insult me, it is my joy not to be angry,’ you are behaving like a master.” ~ Buddha
January 5th, 2010 in
Quotes |
No Comments
Last year, my New Years Resolution was a major undertaking and in the end it was a piece of art.
After several weeks of planning I ended up with a 3 page vision for every element of my life. I had a clear picture of what my physical health would look like, my business, my relationships, spirituality, my daily routines, etc.
There was a small problem though. Nearly everything on the list was focused on one of two things: doing or having.
“Life is not a having and a getting, but a being and a becoming.” ~ Matthew Arnold
Realizing that we are not what we have, nor what we do, I have made a shift in my resolutions this year. For 2010 my focus is on those things that will change my disposition (my natural inclination for action) in stead of just my discipline (the actions I force myself to take) or the outward results.
In moments of stress or weakness, all of our disciplines fall by the wayside and our true disposition is revealed. In order to make sure my personal development is built on a strong foundation that will endure the storms of life, my disposition-oriented resolutions for 2010 are as follows:
- I will ask the question every day: “How can I connect with God?”
- I will allow myself to be with “what is” without judgement or fear.
- I will take inspired steps every day. It’s not the size of the step that matters, just the size of the inspiration.
- I will surrender to each moment.
- I will see each moment – success or failure – as beneficial to my purpose and pass the lesson along to help others.
- I will cleanse my inner vessel.
- I will live each moment all in… holding nothing back.
- I will pour love into myself.
- I will be a conscious observer, watching myself with innocent curiosity.
- I will embrace each experience – good or bad – by breathing into it, feeling it, watching it, knowing it and releasing it.
- I will let go of who I thought I was, to discover and embrace who I truly am.
In challenging situations and circumstances I will ask myself the following questions:
- How can I bring more vulnerability to this moment?
- How can I bring more humility to this moment?
- How can I bring more generosity to this moment?
- How can I bring more compassion to this moment?
- How can I be of more service in this moment?
- How can I bring more willingness to this moment?
- How can I bring more honesty to this moment?
These goals may be a lot less measurable than the traditional resolutions, but I believe that the fruit will be even more visible, and of greater importance: more enduring. We can’t take anything with us but our natures, so what better investment of energy than to improve the only eternal element of our being?
January 4th, 2010 in
Goals |
5 Comments
