I’ve found myself wondering about what is most important to me in life. Many times I have asked myself the question:

What if today is my last chance to leave a mark on the planet? Will I be satisfied with what I am leaving behind?

While recent circumstance may have accelerated this closer to the top of my priority list, it still serves us all well to stop and consider: what kind of a legacy are we leaving?

Today we live in an amazing age where we all have an incredible opportunity to touch lives. Never before have we been able to communicate and influence so many people at the same time.  Social media has given us a powerful vehicle to have a positive impact on the world.  What many could only dream of in the past, is now a daily reality for most of us…

How are you using these opportunities?  In what way can you reach out and share the gifts that you’ve been given to lift others?

If you have had challenges in your life lately, chances are that there is something that you have learned that you can pass along to help another in the same situation.  Our gifts usually come wrapped up in a challenge, so remember to open them up, learn from them and share the value that you gain by growing through them.

Today is your chance to leave a legacy… will you be satisfied if it is your last chance?

Martin Luther King Jr.

In the United States, today is Martin Luther King Jr day. It is a day of rememberance for a great man who had the courage to stand for a great cause that he was willing to lay his life down for.

Martin Luther King Jr faced great adversity in his mission but found a reason to move forward despite the challenges…

The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy.

Martin Luther King Jr., Strength to Love, 1963

The legacy of a teacher is not the name they create for themselves, but the impact on the lives of those they serve. So, even more important than recognizing the teacher, today should be a day of reflecting on the lessons left behind.

The greatest honor that we can give to Martin Luther King Jr. is to listen to his counsel… though many of the social issues have changed in the last 40 years, there is timeless wisdom in his teachings that are just as important today – if not more so. In today’s global society, the teachings of love, harmony, forgiveness and courage may be exactly what we need to heal wounds caused by ignorance and indifference.

Here are a few of the teachings that we might be able to incorporate today:

• “Forgiveness is not an occasional act, it is a constant attitude.” – Is there a way that you forgive someone today?
• “An individual has not started living until he can rise above the narrow confines of his individualistic concerns to the broader concerns of all humanity.” – How can you rise above your own worries today to serve a greater purpose?
• “I have decided to stick with love. Hate is too great a burden to bear.” – Are you allowing hate to burden your thoughts?
• “Only in the darkness can you see the stars.” – You might have troubles right now, we all do… can you see the silver lining, though? Every challenge has a gift to those who will open their eyes.
• “Love is the only force capable of transforming an enemy to a friend.” – How can you live more peacably with those you may have hard feelings toward?
• “Never forget that everything Hitler did in Germany was legal.” – Just because someone says that something is right, doesn’t mean it is. Check in with your conscience and listen to your soul… it won’t lead you wrong.
• “Let no man pull you low enough to hate him.” – We can’t control what others do, but we are in absolute control of how we respond… Are you letting your perceptions of others bring you down?
• “A man can’t ride your back unless it’s bent.” – We choose what we allow to bother us. Today, choose to be a duck. Let it roll off your back like water.

Martin Luther King, Jr. had a dream, what will you do today to be a part of that dream?

By letting just one teaching change your life, you will be someone’s dream come true…

If I cannot forgive myself for all the blunders
That I have made over the years,
Then how can I proceed?
How can I ever dream perfection-dreams?
Move, I must, forward.
Fly, I must, upward.
Dive, I must, inward,
To be once more
What I truly am
And shall forever remain.

- Sri Chinmoy

I really like who I am, but I recognize that I have a lot of short-comings. Both in the way that I see things (my perception of the world and those in it), and also in the way that I put into practice those beliefs (my application).

When we are wrong in the way that we see things, we are ignorant. (ie: The map is not the territory) When we are wrong in the actions we take, we are in transgression.

Mistakes Are Only Feedback

I like to think of both as missing the mark. The first because we are looking at the wrong target, the second because we are careless or irresponsible in the way that we shoot the bow.

Both are falling short of perfection, but neither need be the end of the world.  Instead of seeing our shortcomings as failures, we need to recognize them as feedback.

What Matters Most Is How We Deal With Mistakes

Once we realize that we have fallen short of the mark, we then get to make a choice on how to deal with it.  The end result of our choice is always alignment, but the way we go about it has a huge impact on how well it works.

The Common Approach

Justification is about being right.  It is the process of making our actions come into harmony with our mindset, by changing the way we see things.  This is when we say, “I was justified in doing ABC because so-and-so did XYZ”, or, “anyone would have done the same thing if they were in my situation.”

The basic theme of this approach is that the fault or cause is external.  Something outside of our control, so we responded (reacted) to it according to the way we saw it.  Justification causes us to change the external to match our actions.

The Road Less Traveled

Sanctification is not about “being right”, but about making it right.  This is when we are willing to see the situation through an objective mind and accept responsibility. We swallow our pride and say: “What I did was wrong, and I’m willing to own up to it, and make it right.  I am going to change not only actions, but my mindset. I will honestly examine my mindset & my beliefs so that I won’t repeat this same pattern in the future.”  Sanctification causes us to change our actions & perceptions to match what is right.

The Choice Is Ours

Justification is a never-ending cycle that gets us the same thing over and over again. Because we are continually selling out our integrity to cover up our mistakes, it’s like changing our course to follow a star that is moving in the horizon.

“Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.” ~ Albert Einstein

Sanctification, however, is a process of growth. It is asking “what in me is causing this to happen?”, followed by “How can I chance MYSELF so that this won’t happen again?” It forces us to be humble enough to accept responsibility for the entire situation, whether it is our fault or not.  It might not be my fault, but it is my responsibility is the motto of the proactive person.

The world is filled with opportunities for your growth… will you take them?

“To be angry is so stupid that it is inconceivable that intelligent human beings go on doing it. Somebody else is doing something and you are getting angry? He may be doing something wrong, he may be saying something wrong, he may be making some effort to humiliate you, to insult you – but that is his freedom. If you react, you are a slave. If you say to the person, ‘it is your joy to insult me, it is my joy not to be angry,’ you are behaving like a master.” ~ Buddha

After several weeks of planning I ended up with a 3 page vision for every element of my life. I had a clear picture of what my physical health would look like, my business, my relationships, spirituality, my daily routines, etc.

There was a small problem though. Nearly everything on the list was focused on one of two things: doing or having.

“Life is not a having and a getting, but a being and a becoming.” ~ Matthew Arnold

Realizing that we are not what we have, nor what we do, I have made a shift in my resolutions this year. For 2010 my focus is on those things that will change my disposition (my natural inclination for action) in stead of just my discipline (the actions I force myself to take) or the outward results.

In moments of stress or weakness, all of our disciplines fall by the wayside and our true disposition is revealed. In order to make sure my personal development is built on a strong foundation that will endure the storms of life, my disposition-oriented resolutions for 2010 are as follows:

• I will ask the question every day: “How can I connect with God?”
• I will allow myself to be with “what is” without judgement or fear.
• I will take inspired steps every day. It’s not the size of the step that matters, just the size of the inspiration.
• I will surrender to each moment.
• I will see each moment – success or failure – as beneficial to my purpose and pass the lesson along to help others.
• I will cleanse my inner vessel.
• I will live each moment all in… holding nothing back.
• I will pour love into myself.
• I will be a conscious observer, watching myself with innocent curiosity.
• I will embrace each experience – good or bad – by breathing into it, feeling it, watching it, knowing it and releasing it.
• I will let go of who I thought I was, to discover and embrace who I truly am.

In challenging situations and circumstances I will ask myself the following questions:

• How can I bring more vulnerability to this moment?
• How can I bring more humility to this moment?
• How can I bring more generosity to this moment?
• How can I bring more compassion to this moment?
• How can I be of more service in this moment?
• How can I bring more willingness to this moment?
• How can I bring more honesty to this moment?

These goals may be a lot less measurable than the traditional resolutions, but I believe that the fruit will be even more visible, and of greater importance: more enduring. We can’t take anything with us but our natures, so what better investment of energy than to improve the only eternal element of our being?

But, like Peter, I have been blessed to learn a lot through my apparent failings. I can’t say for sure whether I have learned more than I have failed, but I can say with certainty that I don’t regret getting wet along the way. This past year has been one of the sweetest successes and the most challenging heartache, but I wouldn’t trade or change ANY of it for all the world.  Each experience has made an indelible impression on my spirit and I believe that each has been a part of my purpose for being alive.

I hope that some of what I learned this year, by living life all-in, may be of value to you as well. Perhaps it can help you to stay above water a little longer than I did. Here are some of the highlights of what I have been learning:

• God will show us what is possible in our lives, it’s up to us to believe and to receive.
• If it was bad at the time,  find a way to make it good now.
• If it was good at the time, find a way to let it still be good now.
• Assumptions have the power to hurt everyone involved
• Drama and tension doesn’t occur between people, only within them.
• Love is always worth it, whatever IT is.
• There are no problems that can’t be solved, no solutions that can’t be found.
• It takes strength:
  • to admit when you’re wrong
  • to re-examine your beliefs about reality
  • to forgive others
  • to listen deeply
• If something that someone else says or does upsets me, it says more about me than it does them.
• The amount of love & compassion that I can extend to others is limited by only one thing… the love & compassion that I extend to myself.

Perhaps the greatest lesson, though, is this:

Despite my obvious weaknesses, I have not failed in anything. I have only had learning experiences that refine my character and allow me to grow into the full expression of who I truly am.

Thank you for being a part of my 2009. I hope that the lessons that I am learning might also help you to live life “all-in” and receive what is possible for your life in the year ahead.

What have you learned this past year?

David – Il Gigante

There is an angel inside of this rock and I am setting him free.

Likewise, there is something divine inside of you… in fact, it isn’t just “in” you. It IS you.  It is your very essence. You are a diving being with so much love, light, power & grace that if you were to only recognize it, you would, as Thomas Edison said: “literally astonish yourself.”

The process of ‘becoming’ aligned with our true nature, then, isn’t about adding something that isn’t there, but rather a process of letting go of the things which cloud our ability to see our sacred & divine essence.  This process is akin to the process that Michelangelo used to release the “angel” that became the greatest sculpture in all of history.

Here are the 4 steps in sculpting, that will also release the angel inside of us:

1. Chipping - This is the highest impact part of it all.  It’s when the biggest pieces are smashed away with brute force. These parts are those that must simply go if we are even to begin to see the angel at all…. and it can be a painful experience.

   In each of us, there are some things that just have to go. Plain and simple, some of our vices, weaknesses, emotional attachments and addictions have to go if we are ever to realize our true potential. Without these jarring experiences, we will never see (or show others) the true nature that lies inside of us.  It may be painful, but eliminate these blocks that keep your true nature hidden from yourself and the world.

2. Sculpting - Sculpting continues the same process of removing what doesn’t belong, but it uses a different chisel, and is much more deliberate. Instead of powerful smashing that removes large chunks, sculpting takes a more refined approach and take much longer to remove the fine pieces that stand in the way. It is a delicate process of revealing the beauty of what the sculpture is intended to be.

   This more deliberate process in our own lives is about continued discipline in molding ourselves and persevering in the actions we know that will strengthen us. Are you reading from books that will inspire your mind and develop your spirit? Are you spending time with friends who lift, inspire & understand you? Are you treating yourself like you are your own most precious resource? This process takes confidence and self love.. and both of those come when we start to see clearly the angel deep inside.

3. Sanding - When the sculptor has created the outline of what the sculpture will be, sanding is the process of wearing away the jagged edges that can cut us.

   Sanding is a conscious choice in our lives. We have numerous experiences that would grate on us, get on our nerves, make us upset, etc. Sanding is the choice that we make to illuminate these seemingly negative circumstances and turn them into a positive. It’s about shifting our focus from the gritty sandpaper on the outside, and seeing the act of refinement that is happening on us. We stop seeing the other person, or outside circumstance as a problem, but see our our flaws and begin to let them go. The “adversity” becomes a gift, and we recognize that has nothing to do with anyone other than ourselves.

4. Polishing - The part that makes the sculpture shine!

   This is the part of the process that we all want to skip to. We want to look good, and shine before the world. This is justified since you are an amazing divine being worthy of celebration, but unless the proper foundation is laid it will not stand.In our lives, we all have moments of shining, and we deserve them. To have a lasting shine, the kind that comes from within, though, we have to pay our dues.  If we want to shine continually, we can’t fake it… it has to come from a foundation character. We can’t project it beyond what our character will sustain, so we need to pay our dues to become aligned with our true nature and in harmony with true principles.

There is an angel inside of you. It IS you… it is who you were born, and it is who the world needs right now.  By taking the time to reflect on who that angel is, and allowing yourself to go through the process of letting go of your imperfections and baggage, you will begin to bring to the world the gift most precious above all else: YOU.

The basic physical needs – such as food, water & shelter – are obvious ones that we all recognize as common to all people.  How often, though, do we fail to recognize the psychological needs that we all share?

Is it possible that the label of “neediness” that some people use have caused us to ignore the reality that even healthy, well-adjusted people have basic needs?

Perhaps a proper understanding will allow us to have a healthier relationship with our own needs. And, possibly, eliminate some of “neediness” as well.

1. Certainty/Comfort – We all want to be comfortable, and a great deal of comfort comes in having certainty. We want to know that our car will start and that the fridge will have food for us to eat. Having a certainty of these things eliminates stress.  Human interactions, however, provide far less certainty.An unhealthy relationship with this need will lead us to try to control our circumstances, or other people. The degree to which we lack internal certainty (faith, courage, confidence) will be related to how much we feel the need to control the external circumstances.
2. Variety – The spice of life! We all need a little bit of adventure in our lives. Some find this through watching a movie that they haven’t seen yet, others find it through bunjee jumping. This need is in contrast to certainty, which reminds us that there is a balance that needs to be found. With too much certainty we get bored, but with too much variety fear or confusion can enter in.
3. Significance – We all yearn to know that we are here for a purpose, that our lives are important.  This is a way that we can be unique… a sense of identity that makes us distinct from others.In a healthy sense, this need will lead us to self-discovery and an understanding our gifts & talents. Unhealthily, we can find ourselves trying to fill this need through egotism, drama addiction or materialism.
4. Connection/Love – While our need for significance leads us to be separate from others, our need for connection with others – or love – is what draws us together.  We want to know that we belong, that we are cared for and  that we are understood.One of the most satisfying ways that we can fill this need is within family or intimate relationships. Others may seek to fill this need through clubs, social networking, religious groups or gangs.
5. Growth – All things in nature are either growing or dying. Since there is no finish line, or standard that we reach to lets us know that we’ve “made it” and are now complete, we have a desire for growth and improvement. This can be through physical, spiritual, intellectual growth, etc.
6. Contribution – The assurance that we have been a part of something bigger than ourselves is critical to our fulfillment, though it may be more apparent in some than others. Deep down, though, we all want to know that we leave a legacy, or make the world a better place by being here.

In what ways can understanding these needs provide you with more insight into the choices you make?

How can understanding these needs help you have more compassion in dealing with others?

When we lack the skills to communicate clearly, though, it does become a problem.

If we are to make the most of our relationships, then, it is critical that we develop the communication skills that allow us to cut through the “problems” and understand that all actions are really an attempt to fill one of the basic human needs. (For more information on that topic, check out my previous post: Human Needs – Healthy or Hindering?)

Principally, we tend to think that communication skills are about getting our point across clearly, and helping people to understand what we are trying to express.  Far more important, though, the real skill comes in listening. Not just letting people say what they want, but also taking the time to make sure that we understand what they “mean”. An important element in this skill is creating a safe space that allows others to feel that their thoughts & feelings are valid and can be expressed without fear of being judged, criticized or met with anger.  This, in and of  itself, takes a massive amount of self-control, self-confidence and love for both self and the other person.

Recently, while searching for more tools to develop these skills, I found a powerful free Solve Your Relationship Problems video series from Kathlyn & Gay Hendricks. The Hendricks’ are not only the world’s leading experts on relationships, but are also a happily married couple of 25+ years.

Some of the topics this free video series covers are:

• How to Stop An Argument… Instantly
• How to end blame and criticism
• How to end money struggles and create financial abundance
• Ending jealousy
• How to tell if your partner is lying
• Restoring harmony after a fight
• Many, many more…

What tips & tricks have you found helpful for improving communication in your personal relationships?

I’d love to hear about your insights as you review the videos in their free Solve Your Relationship Problems series!