My birthday is usually a sacred day to me. One of quiet reflection for the year just passed, and of hopeful intention and planning for the one that lies ahead. This year will be no exception, of course, and circumstance has provided an extra catalyst for that purpose.

Early this morning I posted something witty (at least I thought so) on Facebook:

Today is my birthday.
Instead of leaving kind messages or donating to a worthy cause on my behalf, please just send presents. I’d like an iPad. Or a girlfriend.

The message got plenty of response. Some laughed because they also thought I was witty, but other responses were on the “girlfriend” issue. Some were surprised that “a guy like me” didn’t have a girlfriend (whatever that means). Some were plain curious as to why, a very kind bunch offered to help fill the position (thank you ladies [and gentlemen]), and then another group seemed skeptical – almost accusatory – as if there were something wrong with me for not having a girlfriend.

So, Do I Have a Problem?

Plenty, of course. A post to detail all of my flaws and faults would take up more space & time than even Einstein could calculate. But, to be fair, isn’t that the way it is with everyone?

It’s not a question of whether we have baggage or not, but more a matter of how well we carry our baggage.

We all have our issues, but having issues doesn’t stop us from having a girlfriend, boyfriend, hamster, goldfish or even a parking space. Apart from a recent & minor case of “trust-issue-itis” I’d like to think that I carry my baggage well. I’ve made it a priority to do the work necessary to, as Paulo Coelho would admonish, to “not let my wounds turn me into someone I’m not.”

In fact, not having a girlfriend for the last year has been a huge sign of success. I’ve been mastering my current “homework assignment from the Universe” to say no to the ones who are not the one. (Reading this post will help explain the rest of what I’m going to say)

This homework assignment has been an insightful one. Difficult, at times, to go on dates and say “you are a beautiful, amazing, wonderful woman and would make a great life partner…. for someone else.” Difficult, but necessary. I’ve learned that just because I get along really well with – or am attracted to – someone, that it doesn’t mean they are the puzzle piece I’m looking for.

During the summer I posted this:

While slightly humorous, it’s also accurate to where I’ve been for a while.

In this past year I’ve met countless amazing people and went on a zillion first dates (a couple 2nd dates, and even one 3rd date) and have had a lot of great experiences. Many times, if I were only listening to how I felt in my heart at that moment, I may have landed myself a girlfriend. But, I’ve learned that the “inner whisper” speaks to both our minds as well as our hearts. Finding this harmony between the head and the heart is where true spiritual alignment begins, and when miracles can begin. (Yes, perhaps some might even consider me finding a girlfriend a miracle…)

But in the process of saying “no” more times that I ever expected I would, something beautiful has happened: I have gained some perspective on this puzzle called life. While I was steadfastly saying “no”, I was also quietly putting many of other puzzle pieces together… And, as with any puzzle, the more pieces you put in place, the more obvious it becomes which piece you need to fill the space that remains.

As saying “no” has become easier, it has also become incredibly clear what the “yes” piece will look like. I know who she is, and she’s amazing. She’s worth the wait…

Every sunshine has a shadow, and
every adversity carries a beautiful blessing.

Instead of seeing things as either good OR bad, in reality, each situation is both good AND bad. When we acknowledge this, we are then empowered to make a choice. We can choose to learn from our challenges. We can choose whether we want to focus on the good OR the bad.

What I have discovered is that knowing that there is both a sunshine AND a shadow, is liberating. Just the possibility that each situation could be interpreted differently, or looked at from another perspective, makes us less attached to the pain we’ve associated to our difficulty.

Experiencing the shadow

In death, we find the reminder to live life.

Death is one of these situations.

It is very easy to look at losing a loved one as a bad thing. Understandably, we can feel dark, cold, alone, empty.

Today, my grandmother passed away.

I was there with her, in her room, sitting beside her bed as she took her last breath. What was once the woman who loved me, taught me, gave me lemon cookies & the best homemade cinnamon rolls on the planet, was now just a body. Cold, lifeless.

That’s the shadow side…

Finding the sunshine

But then, I looked over to the other side of the bed. Sitting on the dresser was a lamp that hadn’t been there before. Someone had placed it there a few days ago. Quite simply, it read:

Live. Laugh. Love.

On the other side of the cold, lifeless body, was a bright, warm light, burning with the reminder to live, to laugh, to love.

In the adversity of my grandmother’s death, was the beautiful gift of a reminder to live life.

Move out from under the cloud

Often, when we are standing under the cloud, in the shadow, it’s difficult – if not impossible – to see that the sunshine is really there. Trust me, though, it is.

If you find yourself under the cloud, and can only see the shadow in your life, try these ideas. I promise they’ll help:

• Sit down with a pen & paper and ask yourself, “How could this adversity be a blessing?” or “What can I learn from this challenge?” Force yourself to write 20-30 different answers, even if you don’t believe them. They can be completely fictitious, the key is to get your mind out of it’s current rut and start entertaining other possibilities.
• Speak with someone who has already gone through the same challenge and is already on the other side of it. Ask them what they’ve learned, how they grew, etc. If you don’t know someone who has been through the same challenge, check out a book (or movie) from someone who has.
• Ask someone to play the “what if” game with you. Find someone who will do more than just support you in your current rut, but will help you see things from a new perspective. To get a different result, you need a different approach. Find someone who approaches life differently and ask for their take on your situation.

Most importantly, remember that adversities are not obstacles to living your purpose… they are a part of your purpose. We arrive at the full expression of our divine potential, through the refining process of our adversities.

Embrace them, they are life’s greatest gift.

This belief may not be a scientifically validated truth, but it has certainly been true in my life.

I see how my relationships continually reflect back to me the lessons I need to learn about myself. Specifically, the things I’m doing wrong in one area of my life – but choose to ignore or suppress – will be reflected back to me in my most intimate relationships.

Learning this principle alone has made any heartbreak or pain I’ve ever felt completely worth it. (I wrote this post: 3 Ways to Deal with Challenge or Conflict a few years ago and created a list of 16 painful truths that became sobering & liberating realizations.)

“There are no failed relationships. Every person who enters and exits your life does so in a mutual sharing of life’s divine lessons.” ~ Wayne Dyer

Lately I have been filled with gratitude for all of my past relationships… and the lessons they’ve all brought.

In addition to the above lesson, some of the other significant treasures I’ve unearthed in recently include:

• Hurt is not a bad thing. I learned this after the most painful breakup I’ve ever experienced. I had never felt pain to the degree that I did at that time. I thought it was a bad thing; something I wished I could avoid. After what felt like crying for months, I realized that… sorrow increases our capacity for joy. Instead of wallowing in pain, I embraced it, and appreciated it for what it was: a sign of how deeply I could feel love. Learning this lesson made a subsequent breakup approximately 10,000x easier. (See this post for a bit about how I applied it on the 2nd go-round)
• Shakespeare was on to something when he penned the famous words “Love is not love which alters when it alteration finds.” Pondering the question “What is love, really?” lead me to discover that we don’t fall in to love, we don’t fall out of it and it isn’t defined by the feelings we get from another person. Real love is having an undying commitment to the well-being of another person. Though the nature of a relationship may change, if it you truly ever loved someone, you will always want for their best interest… however that may look.
• Most clichés are founded in wise truths. We’ve all heard the saying: “If you love something, set it free… If it comes back to you, its yours. If not it was never meant to be.”  There is timeless wisdom in this adage, and by applying it I’ve learned that Letting Go Opens The Door To Receiving.

Living life Outside The Boat, has brought a lot of painful mistakes… all of which are my own doing, but it’s a process I wouldn’t trade for anything. These lessons have forged me into the person I am today. A very imperfect person, but one that I love.

What I’m Currently Learning. (Or at least trying to…)

The most important lesson, though, is the one we are currently learning. (Then, when we learn it, the next one becomes the most important… see how it works?)

So, here’s mine:

Learn to say no to the ones who are not the one.

This takes a lot of faith. A lot.

I love people and often find myself connecting with people in a very deep way, very quickly. I see this as a good thing, but it also makes it easy to get caught up in a good situation, instead of focusing on the best. It takes faith to say no to the ones who aren’t the one.

Now, I’m not talking about being overly picky. That’s nonsense. It’s not about seeing some people as better than others and trying to get the best one… or someone “good enough” to meet an unrealistic standard we’ve set (that we often don’t meet ourselves). It’s about finding the right one.

Are you my puzzle piece? (Photo by AceFrenzy)

I believe that people are all just like puzzle pieces. We all contribute to a beautiful painting called life, and we are all equal – just one piece in a big masterpiece. Some of those pieces aren’t even close to the same shape to fit together, no matter how hard we try to jam them. (Been there, done that) Still, others may be a close enough shape to fit, but they don’t make the right picture. (Check) But then there’s one that fits, perfectly. It’s not necessarily better, or of more value, than the other pieces, but… it fits.

(Now, I don’t necessarily mean that there’s only one person on this planet we can build a successful life with, but that’s another post…)

We know when we’ve got the wrong piece. Both in puzzles and in relationships. Every “wrong” relationship I have been in was preceded by an intuitive nudge that I chose to overlook. I’ve dated, proposed to, and even married… despite the inner voice whispering, in one way or another, that: “this isn’t the one.”

And, when we ignore those lessons that first come in the form of a whisper, they usually come back with a sledgehammer.

The inner voice knows the end from the beginning – it takes faith to listen.

And it takes faith to say no the ones that aren’t the one. But faith always precedes the miracle. I’m learning to have faith that even if a puzzle piece is almost the right one, no matter how many great the connection, that if I exercise the courage to Let Go… that just around the corner, I will find my perfect fit.

Until then, I’ll patiently exercise the courage to say no to the others…

The little things are the big things.
It is never being too old to hold hands.
It is remembering to say “I love you” at least once a day.

It is never going to sleep angry.
It is at no time taking the other for granted;
the courtship should not end with the honeymoon.
It should continue through all the years.

It is having a mutual sense of values and common objectives.
It is standing together facing the world.
It is forming a circle of love that gathers in the whole family.
It is doing things for each other,
not in the attitude of duty or sacrifice,
but in the spirit of joy.

It is speaking words of appreciation and demonstrating
gratitude in thoughtful ways.
It is not expecting the husband to wear a halo
or the wife to have wings of an angel.
It is not looking for perfection in each other.

It is cultivating flexibility, patience,
understanding and a sense of humor.
It is having the capacity to forgive and forget.
It is giving each other an atmosphere in which each can grow.

It is finding room for the things of the spirit.
It is a common search for the good and the beautiful.
It is establishing a relationship in which the independence is equal,
dependence is mutual and the obligation is reciprocal.
It is not only marrying the right partner,
it is being the right partner.

Lately, I’ve found it necessary to ask myself: What Is Love?

Instinctively, the description of love by William Shakespeare pops into my mind:

“Love is not love which alters when it alteration finds.”

I know this to be true.

And, I have always been able to observe this principle “in others“. Meaning, I would judge them when I felt that they didn’t really love me like they said they did, or I thought they withheld love because I didn’t meet their needs.

(It’s amazing how easy it is to see what’s wrong with other people, isn’t it?)

Now, however, I knew that I had to realize how this lack of true, unconditional love exists in me…

Tough Love… For Myself

After asking myself: “Is my love altering for those I say I love? Do I stop loving others because they don’t meet my expectations?”I had to admit that I am still very far from being a perfectly loving being.

I came up with some important realizations about how unconditional love really works, and how I know if I have unconditional love.

With unconditional love:

• If I truly do love someone once, I will always love them.
• Though the nature of the relationship may change, I will love still love them.
• I will always desire for their happiness – whether they search for it in the way that I think they should or not – for that is what love does.

.

In short, if I truly did love you once, I must love you still… or it wasn’t ever love to begin with.

How that love is expressed will obviously change, (ie: I won’t share a bed with someone I am no longer in a relationship with), but the core of love – desiring for their true happiness – must remain.

If not, it was just me using you to satisfy my own needs. (Sadly, this is the best that most of us are capable of)

Our Own Limitations to Loving… And Being Loved

If we talk about love so much, why is it that we have problems truly loving others?

“We accept the love we think we deserve.” – Stephen Chbosky

We only have to capacity to love others as much as we love ourselves.

Often we find ourselves angry at other people for the choices they make, especially the ones that hurt us. This is a sign that we need to love ourselves. Remember that “the opposite of love is not hate, but indifference.” It’s okay to feel angry, but understand what it is. Anger is not lashing out to hurt another intentionally, but most often is just an expression of our own hurt.

As one friend said:

“Hurt people, hurt people”

People do things that hurt others, because they are hurt themselves. Knowing this, it does no good at all to be angry back. What we need to do is to love them. To do so, we must first love ourselves sufficiently.

If I do react with anger, it means I have a lack of love for myself, and am incapable of loving you in that moment. What I need to do first is to “fill up my own cup”, and that comes from within.

Similarly, not wishing you happiness is just denying happiness for myself. That’s all that love for others is anyway: an expression of how we love ourselves.

What Love Really Is

Love is not a feeling. (Though we often equate it as such)
Love is not something that we fall into, or out of. (Though many of us believe so)

However it looks, my wish is for your happiness.

Love is a verb. It’s something we do, it’s a choice we make. But, it’s more than that. Love is a sincere desire for the other person’s happiness.

If I love you, I want for your happiness. And, if I truly love you, I will allow you to search for it as you desire.

I will honour and respect each step of your life path, as part of your search for happiness…. And I will do this, because I know the value of my own path.

And so, after much introspection, after processing through and understanding my own hurt, my own limitations in love, I have one thing to say.

It is the same thing I said in the beginning:

I love you.

Since birth we have been able to resonate with other human beings. A newborn cries when in the presence of other crying babies. Bit by bit, empathy – which at first is only a simple instinctual capacity to resonate – develops and becomes the capacity to understand other people’s feelings and points of view, to identify with them.

But if this capacity does not develop sufficiently or if it is thwarted, we are in trouble. If we are insensitive to the emotions of others, each relationship becomes an impossible charade. And if we see others not as living subjects but as things, on par with a refrigerator or a street lamp, we allow ourselves to manipulate and even to violate them.

Piero Ferrucci
from The Power Of Kindness

When we lack the skills to communicate clearly, though, it does become a problem.

If we are to make the most of our relationships, then, it is critical that we develop the communication skills that allow us to cut through the “problems” and understand that all actions are really an attempt to fill one of the basic human needs. (For more information on that topic, check out my previous post: Human Needs – Healthy or Hindering?)

Principally, we tend to think that communication skills are about getting our point across clearly, and helping people to understand what we are trying to express.  Far more important, though, the real skill comes in listening. Not just letting people say what they want, but also taking the time to make sure that we understand what they “mean”. An important element in this skill is creating a safe space that allows others to feel that their thoughts & feelings are valid and can be expressed without fear of being judged, criticized or met with anger.  This, in and of  itself, takes a massive amount of self-control, self-confidence and love for both self and the other person.

Recently, while searching for more tools to develop these skills, I found a powerful free Solve Your Relationship Problems video series from Kathlyn & Gay Hendricks. The Hendricks’ are not only the world’s leading experts on relationships, but are also a happily married couple of 25+ years.

Some of the topics this free video series covers are:

• How to Stop An Argument… Instantly
• How to end blame and criticism
• How to end money struggles and create financial abundance
• Ending jealousy
• How to tell if your partner is lying
• Restoring harmony after a fight
• Many, many more…

What tips & tricks have you found helpful for improving communication in your personal relationships?

I’d love to hear about your insights as you review the videos in their free Solve Your Relationship Problems series!

The truth is that each moment of every single day provides the opportunity for us to make an empowered choice and move closer to the full expression of our divine nature. The more difficult the situation, the greater the growth will be. That is, the harder it is for us to make the change, the more it is worth it. Just like building muscles, building character happens the most when we push our limits and create new ones.

That being said, here are 3 options that we can face when dealing with challenging situations:

1. Why is this happening to me? Or, “why did they do XYZ to me?” Where XYZ = lying, stealing, controlling, getting upset, ignoring, etc.This approach focuses on the circumstance entirely. It focuses on “what happened” or “is happening”,  but is also limited to and by our perception of the circumstance.  This attitude of viewing the problem as “out there” indicates that we are reacting to the situation, and placing the blame on anything except for ourselves.  This is a very normal reaction, and very understandable when we examine the situation with our eyes, but the problem is that the focus is on things outside of our circle of control.
2. What did I do to cause this to happen to me? This is the more responsible way of dealing with the circumstance.The responsible person will acknowledge that the circumstances in their life are directly, or at the very least indirectly, influenced by their own actions, and they accept responsibility for it.  This person will say “I know that this other person made me upset, but what did I say or do to cause them to do so?”When we accept that “I am the master of my fate” we are able to see how we can influence every circumstance in our life, and we start to put our focus on things that are inside of our circle of control.  We move beyond seeing with just our eyes, and start to perceive with our mind as well.The only limitation, however, is that this approach is still dealing with the circumstance…
3. In what way is this a reflection of what is going on inside me? This is moving beyond responsibility to accountability.To step into this level requires a belief that all things work together for our good. It also requires us to look at the situation with more than our eyes and our mind put together. It requires us to look at things with a spiritual mindset.This spiritual approach leads us to examine ourselves at a deep level, and to evaluate our subconscious beliefs to find an answer.  We begin to say “I am the cause of all that happens in my life.”  This isn’t about fault or blame, it’s about recognizing that we are divine in our nature, and that everything that happens in our world is for the purpose of drawing us closer to our divine potential.This attitude leads us to drop all of the “out there” thoughts of the external situation and realize that perception is reality.  Our perception of ourselves is reflected back to us in everyone that we meet. Our deep-rooted beliefs about the world are continually validated back to us in the situations we create.

   When we adopt this attitude, we are empowered and become “the captain of my soul”.  We are no longer concerned with circumstance, but focus our efforts ONLY on those things which are entirely within our circle of control.  We let go of the past and live in the present moment.

What situations are you struggling with right now? In what ways are the people around you “making things difficult” for you?  What drives you crazy about your boss, spouse, child, etc?

Make a list of those things and ask yourself the question, “In what way is this a reflection of what is going on inside of me?”  Do it honestly and introspectively. Take a pen & paper, and most importantly, take your time.