Every sunshine has a shadow, and
every adversity carries a beautiful blessing.

Instead of seeing things as either good OR bad, in reality, each situation is both good AND bad. When we acknowledge this, we are then empowered to make a choice. We can choose to learn from our challenges. We can choose whether we want to focus on the good OR the bad.

What I have discovered is that knowing that there is both a sunshine AND a shadow, is liberating. Just the possibility that each situation could be interpreted differently, or looked at from another perspective, makes us less attached to the pain we’ve associated to our difficulty.

Experiencing the shadow

In death, we find the reminder to live life.

Death is one of these situations.

It is very easy to look at losing a loved one as a bad thing. Understandably, we can feel dark, cold, alone, empty.

Today, my grandmother passed away.

I was there with her, in her room, sitting beside her bed as she took her last breath. What was once the woman who loved me, taught me, gave me lemon cookies & the best homemade cinnamon rolls on the planet, was now just a body. Cold, lifeless.

That’s the shadow side…

Finding the sunshine

But then, I looked over to the other side of the bed. Sitting on the dresser was a lamp that hadn’t been there before. Someone had placed it there a few days ago. Quite simply, it read:

Live. Laugh. Love.

On the other side of the cold, lifeless body, was a bright, warm light, burning with the reminder to live, to laugh, to love.

In the adversity of my grandmother’s death, was the beautiful gift of a reminder to live life.

Move out from under the cloud

Often, when we are standing under the cloud, in the shadow, it’s difficult – if not impossible – to see that the sunshine is really there. Trust me, though, it is.

If you find yourself under the cloud, and can only see the shadow in your life, try these ideas. I promise they’ll help:

• Sit down with a pen & paper and ask yourself, “How could this adversity be a blessing?” or “What can I learn from this challenge?” Force yourself to write 20-30 different answers, even if you don’t believe them. They can be completely fictitious, the key is to get your mind out of it’s current rut and start entertaining other possibilities.
• Speak with someone who has already gone through the same challenge and is already on the other side of it. Ask them what they’ve learned, how they grew, etc. If you don’t know someone who has been through the same challenge, check out a book (or movie) from someone who has.
• Ask someone to play the “what if” game with you. Find someone who will do more than just support you in your current rut, but will help you see things from a new perspective. To get a different result, you need a different approach. Find someone who approaches life differently and ask for their take on your situation.

Most importantly, remember that adversities are not obstacles to living your purpose… they are a part of your purpose. We arrive at the full expression of our divine potential, through the refining process of our adversities.

Embrace them, they are life’s greatest gift.

The most beautiful people we have known
are those who have know defeat,
known suffering, known struggle, known loss
and have found their way out of the depths.
These persons have an appreciation,
a sensitivity and an understanding of life
that fills them with compassion,
gentleness and a deep loving concern.

Beautiful people do not just happen.

 ~ Elisabeth Kübler-Ross

This sense of loss, I have learned, is both natural and healthy when one experiences such pain.

I have also learned that in order to live life “all in”, not only do we need to transform our relationship to fear (to step outside the boat), but we also need to transform our relationship to pain (when we find ourselves in the water).

Understanding how the grieving process works has helped me to get through this experience in a much more empowered way than I know I would have handled it in the past. As part of living life outside the boat, I have come to embrace the challenges, failures and pain that are a part of living life. Hopefully what I share will help encourage you if you are also struggling, or if you are looking for the courage to take a potentially painful risk. (Do it, the reward is worth it)

I’m thankful that a while ago I learned about the five stages of grief. So, when this experience happened, I knew what to expect and tried not to skip ahead to just “being positive” about it (thus suppressing any honest emotions that may have seemed unpleasant). Instead, I embraced each step along the way:

1. Denial – There wasn’t much of this. I knew that it was what it was, and it’s not worth the frustration of arguing with reality.
2. Anger – This was a breakthrough for me. Being of a reflective anger style (more on that later) I usually don’t give voice to what I’m feeling in that department. This time, I embraced it and found several healthy ways to give it a voice. (Maybe one or two that weren’t as healthy, but I blame it on the alcohol)
3. Bargaining – This is an interesting one, and though the finality of our decision didn’t much room for it, the desire to remain friends (and close with the boys I grew to love), at times morphs into a yearning to evaluate unexplored option.
4. Sadness – “Hello darkness my old friend…” this is where I found myself while on the beach in Costa Rica… and the real setting for our story today.
5. Acceptance – To be discovered…?

Being in paradise has far more to do with the state of your mind than it does the state of your environment.

So, here I was on the beach in paradise and I was really sad… I found truth in the statement by John Milton: “The mind is its own place, and in itself can make a heaven of hell, a hell of heaven.”

I was in the middle of paradise, but my mind was in hell. I kept playing thoughts over and over again in my mind:

• What went wrong?
• What could I have done better? Why didn’t I do ABC?
• Why did she do XYZ?
• How could it have turned out differently?

With each thought, my frustration, pain and sadness increased…. Einstein was right when he said that insanity is “doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” I was torturing myself with unproductive thoughts, and it was a downward spiral…. until I had a simple (but important) epiphany:

Thinking about the past doesn’t change it.

No amount of rehearsing what might have been was going to change anything. So I decided that instead of thinking about the past the way I was, I needed to change the way that I was feeling about the past.

This is where I finally found step 5: Acceptance. Every time I thought of the past, I stopped thinking about what might have been and took a moment to feel gratitude for what was. Very simple, but sincerely, I said:

Thank you for the happy memories.

Every time I thought of how much I loved running on the mountain with her, massaging her feet at night, cleaning up the kitchen after she made dinner. Every time I missed teaching the boys, jumping on the trampoline with them, picking them up from school, driving them to jiu-jitsu, reading with them and hearing them say “we have the best family ever”. Every time I had these thoughts (that previously would have filled me with sadness and frustration), I replaced it with the thought: “thank you for the happy memories.”

Each time I sincerely expressed gratitude for the good times we shared, I felt a little bit happier. I stopped feeling sorry for what I had lost, and starting feeling grateful for what I had experienced. The happiness swelled with each thought. Again and again I revisited each thought, each cherished experience we shared, and said: “thank you for the happy memories.”

Within minutes, pure joy filled my heart. The sadness dissipated and gratitude permeated. A smile crossed my face, from ear to ear, and I became a new person. Gratitude, had not only transformed how I was looking at the past, it transformed how I was feeling in the moment… and as that joy swelled, gratitude transformed how I looked at the future.

Gratitude grew into a feeling of hope… a hope that if I could have had it so good then, that I would be able to have that again in the future.

And that somehow, magically, it could be even better.

Martin Luther King Jr.

In the United States, today is Martin Luther King Jr day. It is a day of rememberance for a great man who had the courage to stand for a great cause that he was willing to lay his life down for.

Martin Luther King Jr faced great adversity in his mission but found a reason to move forward despite the challenges…

The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy.

Martin Luther King Jr., Strength to Love, 1963

The legacy of a teacher is not the name they create for themselves, but the impact on the lives of those they serve. So, even more important than recognizing the teacher, today should be a day of reflecting on the lessons left behind.

The greatest honor that we can give to Martin Luther King Jr. is to listen to his counsel… though many of the social issues have changed in the last 40 years, there is timeless wisdom in his teachings that are just as important today – if not more so. In today’s global society, the teachings of love, harmony, forgiveness and courage may be exactly what we need to heal wounds caused by ignorance and indifference.

Here are a few of the teachings that we might be able to incorporate today:

• “Forgiveness is not an occasional act, it is a constant attitude.” – Is there a way that you forgive someone today?
• “An individual has not started living until he can rise above the narrow confines of his individualistic concerns to the broader concerns of all humanity.” – How can you rise above your own worries today to serve a greater purpose?
• “I have decided to stick with love. Hate is too great a burden to bear.” – Are you allowing hate to burden your thoughts?
• “Only in the darkness can you see the stars.” – You might have troubles right now, we all do… can you see the silver lining, though? Every challenge has a gift to those who will open their eyes.
• “Love is the only force capable of transforming an enemy to a friend.” – How can you live more peacably with those you may have hard feelings toward?
• “Never forget that everything Hitler did in Germany was legal.” – Just because someone says that something is right, doesn’t mean it is. Check in with your conscience and listen to your soul… it won’t lead you wrong.
• “Let no man pull you low enough to hate him.” – We can’t control what others do, but we are in absolute control of how we respond… Are you letting your perceptions of others bring you down?
• “A man can’t ride your back unless it’s bent.” – We choose what we allow to bother us. Today, choose to be a duck. Let it roll off your back like water.

Martin Luther King, Jr. had a dream, what will you do today to be a part of that dream?

By letting just one teaching change your life, you will be someone’s dream come true…

David – Il Gigante

There is an angel inside of this rock and I am setting him free.

Likewise, there is something divine inside of you… in fact, it isn’t just “in” you. It IS you.  It is your very essence. You are a diving being with so much love, light, power & grace that if you were to only recognize it, you would, as Thomas Edison said: “literally astonish yourself.”

The process of ‘becoming’ aligned with our true nature, then, isn’t about adding something that isn’t there, but rather a process of letting go of the things which cloud our ability to see our sacred & divine essence.  This process is akin to the process that Michelangelo used to release the “angel” that became the greatest sculpture in all of history.

Here are the 4 steps in sculpting, that will also release the angel inside of us:

1. Chipping - This is the highest impact part of it all.  It’s when the biggest pieces are smashed away with brute force. These parts are those that must simply go if we are even to begin to see the angel at all…. and it can be a painful experience.

   In each of us, there are some things that just have to go. Plain and simple, some of our vices, weaknesses, emotional attachments and addictions have to go if we are ever to realize our true potential. Without these jarring experiences, we will never see (or show others) the true nature that lies inside of us.  It may be painful, but eliminate these blocks that keep your true nature hidden from yourself and the world.

2. Sculpting - Sculpting continues the same process of removing what doesn’t belong, but it uses a different chisel, and is much more deliberate. Instead of powerful smashing that removes large chunks, sculpting takes a more refined approach and take much longer to remove the fine pieces that stand in the way. It is a delicate process of revealing the beauty of what the sculpture is intended to be.

   This more deliberate process in our own lives is about continued discipline in molding ourselves and persevering in the actions we know that will strengthen us. Are you reading from books that will inspire your mind and develop your spirit? Are you spending time with friends who lift, inspire & understand you? Are you treating yourself like you are your own most precious resource? This process takes confidence and self love.. and both of those come when we start to see clearly the angel deep inside.

3. Sanding - When the sculptor has created the outline of what the sculpture will be, sanding is the process of wearing away the jagged edges that can cut us.

   Sanding is a conscious choice in our lives. We have numerous experiences that would grate on us, get on our nerves, make us upset, etc. Sanding is the choice that we make to illuminate these seemingly negative circumstances and turn them into a positive. It’s about shifting our focus from the gritty sandpaper on the outside, and seeing the act of refinement that is happening on us. We stop seeing the other person, or outside circumstance as a problem, but see our our flaws and begin to let them go. The “adversity” becomes a gift, and we recognize that has nothing to do with anyone other than ourselves.

4. Polishing - The part that makes the sculpture shine!

   This is the part of the process that we all want to skip to. We want to look good, and shine before the world. This is justified since you are an amazing divine being worthy of celebration, but unless the proper foundation is laid it will not stand.In our lives, we all have moments of shining, and we deserve them. To have a lasting shine, the kind that comes from within, though, we have to pay our dues.  If we want to shine continually, we can’t fake it… it has to come from a foundation character. We can’t project it beyond what our character will sustain, so we need to pay our dues to become aligned with our true nature and in harmony with true principles.

There is an angel inside of you. It IS you… it is who you were born, and it is who the world needs right now.  By taking the time to reflect on who that angel is, and allowing yourself to go through the process of letting go of your imperfections and baggage, you will begin to bring to the world the gift most precious above all else: YOU.

The truth is that each moment of every single day provides the opportunity for us to make an empowered choice and move closer to the full expression of our divine nature. The more difficult the situation, the greater the growth will be. That is, the harder it is for us to make the change, the more it is worth it. Just like building muscles, building character happens the most when we push our limits and create new ones.

That being said, here are 3 options that we can face when dealing with challenging situations:

1. Why is this happening to me? Or, “why did they do XYZ to me?” Where XYZ = lying, stealing, controlling, getting upset, ignoring, etc.This approach focuses on the circumstance entirely. It focuses on “what happened” or “is happening”,  but is also limited to and by our perception of the circumstance.  This attitude of viewing the problem as “out there” indicates that we are reacting to the situation, and placing the blame on anything except for ourselves.  This is a very normal reaction, and very understandable when we examine the situation with our eyes, but the problem is that the focus is on things outside of our circle of control.
2. What did I do to cause this to happen to me? This is the more responsible way of dealing with the circumstance.The responsible person will acknowledge that the circumstances in their life are directly, or at the very least indirectly, influenced by their own actions, and they accept responsibility for it.  This person will say “I know that this other person made me upset, but what did I say or do to cause them to do so?”When we accept that “I am the master of my fate” we are able to see how we can influence every circumstance in our life, and we start to put our focus on things that are inside of our circle of control.  We move beyond seeing with just our eyes, and start to perceive with our mind as well.The only limitation, however, is that this approach is still dealing with the circumstance…
3. In what way is this a reflection of what is going on inside me? This is moving beyond responsibility to accountability.To step into this level requires a belief that all things work together for our good. It also requires us to look at the situation with more than our eyes and our mind put together. It requires us to look at things with a spiritual mindset.This spiritual approach leads us to examine ourselves at a deep level, and to evaluate our subconscious beliefs to find an answer.  We begin to say “I am the cause of all that happens in my life.”  This isn’t about fault or blame, it’s about recognizing that we are divine in our nature, and that everything that happens in our world is for the purpose of drawing us closer to our divine potential.This attitude leads us to drop all of the “out there” thoughts of the external situation and realize that perception is reality.  Our perception of ourselves is reflected back to us in everyone that we meet. Our deep-rooted beliefs about the world are continually validated back to us in the situations we create.

   When we adopt this attitude, we are empowered and become “the captain of my soul”.  We are no longer concerned with circumstance, but focus our efforts ONLY on those things which are entirely within our circle of control.  We let go of the past and live in the present moment.

What situations are you struggling with right now? In what ways are the people around you “making things difficult” for you?  What drives you crazy about your boss, spouse, child, etc?

Make a list of those things and ask yourself the question, “In what way is this a reflection of what is going on inside of me?”  Do it honestly and introspectively. Take a pen & paper, and most importantly, take your time.