“In my dream, the angel shrugged and said,
if we fail this time, it will be a failure of imagination
and then she placed the world gently in the palm of my hand.”
— Brian Andreas
Today is my birthday.
My birthday is usually a sacred day to me. One of quiet reflection for the year just passed, and of hopeful intention and planning for the one that lies ahead. This year will be no exception, of course, and circumstance has provided an extra catalyst for that purpose.
Early this morning I posted something witty (at least I thought so) on Facebook:
Today is my birthday.
Instead of leaving kind messages or donating to a worthy cause on my behalf, please just send presents. I’d like an iPad. Or a girlfriend.
The message got plenty of response. Some laughed because they also thought I was witty, but other responses were on the “girlfriend” issue. Some were surprised that “a guy like me” didn’t have a girlfriend (whatever that means). Some were plain curious as to why, a very kind bunch offered to help fill the position (thank you ladies [and gentlemen]), and then another group seemed skeptical – almost accusatory – as if there were something wrong with me for not having a girlfriend.
Plenty, of course. A post to detail all of my flaws and faults would take up more space & time than even Einstein could calculate. But, to be fair, isn’t that the way it is with everyone?
It’s not a question of whether we have baggage or not, but more a matter of how well we carry our baggage.
We all have our issues, but having issues doesn’t stop us from having a girlfriend, boyfriend, hamster, goldfish or even a parking space. Apart from a recent & minor case of “trust-issue-itis” I’d like to think that I carry my baggage well. I’ve made it a priority to do the work necessary to, as Paulo Coelho would admonish, to “not let my wounds turn me into someone I’m not.”
In fact, not having a girlfriend for the last year has been a huge sign of success. I’ve been mastering my current “homework assignment from the Universe” to say no to the ones who are not the one. (Reading this post will help explain the rest of what I’m going to say)
This homework assignment has been an insightful one. Difficult, at times, to go on dates and say “you are a beautiful, amazing, wonderful woman and would make a great life partner…. for someone else.” Difficult, but necessary. I’ve learned that just because I get along really well with – or am attracted to – someone, that it doesn’t mean they are the puzzle piece I’m looking for.
During the summer I posted this:
People have been asking me about my dating life lately, so here’s the update.
I’ve met someone special.
He is a tall, handsome, kind Canadian man. I’ve become quite attached to him and the feelings of appreciation for his goodness grow stronger every day. It is safe to say that I’m in love.
His name is Joseph.
I intend on seeing him exclusively until I find something comparable in a female version.
While slightly humorous, it’s also accurate to where I’ve been for a while.
In this past year I’ve met countless amazing people and went on a zillion first dates (a couple 2nd dates, and even one 3rd date) and have had a lot of great experiences. Many times, if I were only listening to how I felt in my heart at that moment, I may have landed myself a girlfriend. But, I’ve learned that the “inner whisper” speaks to both our minds as well as our hearts. Finding this harmony between the head and the heart is where true spiritual alignment begins, and when miracles can begin. (Yes, perhaps some might even consider me finding a girlfriend a miracle…)
But in the process of saying “no” more times that I ever expected I would, something beautiful has happened: I have gained some perspective on this puzzle called life. While I was steadfastly saying “no”, I was also quietly putting many of other puzzle pieces together… And, as with any puzzle, the more pieces you put in place, the more obvious it becomes which piece you need to fill the space that remains.
As saying “no” has become easier, it has also become incredibly clear what the “yes” piece will look like. I know who she is, and she’s amazing. She’s worth the wait…
“If you want to identify me,
ask me not where I live,
or what I like to eat,
or how I comb my hair,
but ask me what I am living for, in detail,
ask me what I think is keeping me from
living fully for the thing I want to live for.”
~ Thomas Merton
Learning one principle, I believe, has empowered me, more than anything else, in dealing with life’s challenges.
Every sunshine has a shadow, and
every adversity carries a beautiful blessing.
Instead of seeing things as either good OR bad, in reality, each situation is both good AND bad. When we acknowledge this, we are then empowered to make a choice. We can choose to learn from our challenges. We can choose whether we want to focus on the good OR the bad.
What I have discovered is that knowing that there is both a sunshine AND a shadow, is liberating. Just the possibility that each situation could be interpreted differently, or looked at from another perspective, makes us less attached to the pain we’ve associated to our difficulty.
In death, we find the reminder to live life.
Death is one of these situations.
It is very easy to look at losing a loved one as a bad thing. Understandably, we can feel dark, cold, alone, empty.
Today, my grandmother passed away.
I was there with her, in her room, sitting beside her bed as she took her last breath. What was once the woman who loved me, taught me, gave me lemon cookies & the best homemade cinnamon rolls on the planet, was now just a body. Cold, lifeless.
That’s the shadow side…
But then, I looked over to the other side of the bed. Sitting on the dresser was a lamp that hadn’t been there before. Someone had placed it there a few days ago. Quite simply, it read:
Live. Laugh. Love.
On the other side of the cold, lifeless body, was a bright, warm light, burning with the reminder to live, to laugh, to love.
In the adversity of my grandmother’s death, was the beautiful gift of a reminder to live life.
Often, when we are standing under the cloud, in the shadow, it’s difficult – if not impossible – to see that the sunshine is really there. Trust me, though, it is.
If you find yourself under the cloud, and can only see the shadow in your life, try these ideas. I promise they’ll help:
Most importantly, remember that adversities are not obstacles to living your purpose… they are a part of your purpose. We arrive at the full expression of our divine potential, through the refining process of our adversities.
Embrace them, they are life’s greatest gift.
It is only when we have the courage to face things exactly as they are,
without any self-deception or illusion, that a light will develop out of events,
by which the path to success may be recognized.I Ching
The most beautiful people we have known
are those who have know defeat,
known suffering, known struggle, known loss
and have found their way out of the depths.
These persons have an appreciation,
a sensitivity and an understanding of life
that fills them with compassion,
gentleness and a deep loving concern.Beautiful people do not just happen.
~ Elisabeth Kübler-Ross
Today I did a backflip off of the top of a park bench; it was my first time ever.
And, considering the fact I am still alive and here to write about it, I suppose it turned out okay. 
Here’s the proof:
But, to understand why, you first have to understand that:
I wasn’t born with the ability to do backflips.
Now, that part may be obvious, but let me clarify. This wasn’t a talent I developed in elementary school or middle school. I didn’t even learn this magical feat in high school…. Quite the opposite, in fact.
As a young child, I always wanted to be a ninja, with amazing acrobatic skills. I dreamed about it for years, and finally, in the 8th grade, I took massive action on it. I attempted a backflip. In the gym at school, I set up a big foam pit and launched off the bleachers. It was glorious and magnificent… until I landed, on my neck. To say that it hurt was an understatement.
Young & foolish, I decided to try again. Weeks later (after my neck healed) I tried it again. This time, I did it in pool, where I thought the water would be safer. Somehow, I managed to land in a very awkward way that my grandchildren felt… and once again, it hurt. It hurt bad.
No more backflips… I give up. I resign to the thought that I can’t do it. I’m too afraid to even try.
Fast forward 15 years. I realize that backflips aren’t the only area of my life in which I have fear holding me back. I realize that fear holds me back from chasing after my dreams in so many areas:
Fear was controlling my life.
I knew that if I wanted to no longer be controlled by my fear, I needed to change my approach. Like Jim Rohn said:
If you want to amend your errors, you must begin by amending your philosophy.
My philosophy consisted of letting fear hold me back from that which I wanted. That’s a pretty sucky philosophy.
Long story short, I sought out a coach who taught me how to overcome my fear and adopt a philosophy that fear is a green light to take action. With this new mindset, I run in to face my fears, head-on.
And so, at 28 years of age, I decided to be a gymnast. 
Here’s one of my earlier attempts:
Imperfect action is better than perfect procrastination.
Conquering fear... one back flip at a time.
I landed on my head. I hurt my neck. I looked like an idiot. I’m okay with that, because it didn’t stop me this time. I kept moving.
It was a baby step, but it was a step…
Now, almost 4 years later, I do backflips. I do them off of park benches, in the grass, on concrete, on first dates, for my nephew, off of cliffs, near, far, with a red fish or with a blue fish, etc. (Okay, maybe the fish part isn’t true, but you get the point)
I do backflips now, to symbolize that fear has no claim on us, except that which we allow. I am happy when I back flip, because I am reminded that I am bigger than my fears.
What is something that you fear?
Will you take action on it today?
“Achievement of your happiness is the only moral purpose of your life,
and that happiness, not pain or mindless self-indulgence,
is the proof of your moral integrity,
since it is the proof and the result of your loyalty
to the achievement of your values.”
~ Ayn Rand
“All negative emotions, especially anger,
depend on your ability to blame someone or something else
for something in your life that you are unhappy about.”
Brian Tracy
I believe that our closest relationships are the greatest catalyst & incubator for personal growth.
This belief may not be a scientifically validated truth, but it has certainly been true in my life.
I see how my relationships continually reflect back to me the lessons I need to learn about myself. Specifically, the things I’m doing wrong in one area of my life – but choose to ignore or suppress – will be reflected back to me in my most intimate relationships.
Learning this principle alone has made any heartbreak or pain I’ve ever felt completely worth it. (I wrote this post: 3 Ways to Deal with Challenge or Conflict a few years ago and created a list of 16 painful truths that became sobering & liberating realizations.)
“There are no failed relationships. Every person who enters and exits your life does so in a mutual sharing of life’s divine lessons.” ~ Wayne Dyer
Lately I have been filled with gratitude for all of my past relationships… and the lessons they’ve all brought.
In addition to the above lesson, some of the other significant treasures I’ve unearthed in recently include:
Living life Outside The Boat, has brought a lot of painful mistakes… all of which are my own doing, but it’s a process I wouldn’t trade for anything. These lessons have forged me into the person I am today. A very imperfect person, but one that I love.
The most important lesson, though, is the one we are currently learning. (Then, when we learn it, the next one becomes the most important… see how it works?)
So, here’s mine:
Learn to say no to the ones who are not the one.
This takes a lot of faith. A lot.
I love people and often find myself connecting with people in a very deep way, very quickly. I see this as a good thing, but it also makes it easy to get caught up in a good situation, instead of focusing on the best. It takes faith to say no to the ones who aren’t the one.
Now, I’m not talking about being overly picky. That’s nonsense. It’s not about seeing some people as better than others and trying to get the best one… or someone “good enough” to meet an unrealistic standard we’ve set (that we often don’t meet ourselves). It’s about finding the right one.
Are you my puzzle piece? (Photo by AceFrenzy)
I believe that people are all just like puzzle pieces. We all contribute to a beautiful painting called life, and we are all equal – just one piece in a big masterpiece. Some of those pieces aren’t even close to the same shape to fit together, no matter how hard we try to jam them. (Been there, done that) Still, others may be a close enough shape to fit, but they don’t make the right picture. (Check) But then there’s one that fits, perfectly. It’s not necessarily better, or of more value, than the other pieces, but… it fits.
(Now, I don’t necessarily mean that there’s only one person on this planet we can build a successful life with, but that’s another post…)
We know when we’ve got the wrong piece. Both in puzzles and in relationships. Every “wrong” relationship I have been in was preceded by an intuitive nudge that I chose to overlook. I’ve dated, proposed to, and even married… despite the inner voice whispering, in one way or another, that: “this isn’t the one.”
And, when we ignore those lessons that first come in the form of a whisper, they usually come back with a sledgehammer.
The inner voice knows the end from the beginning – it takes faith to listen.
And it takes faith to say no the ones that aren’t the one. But faith always precedes the miracle. I’m learning to have faith that even if a puzzle piece is almost the right one, no matter how many great the connection, that if I exercise the courage to Let Go… that just around the corner, I will find my perfect fit.
Until then, I’ll patiently exercise the courage to say no to the others…
I'm not a teacher or guru. Rather, I'm just a fellow student in life, passing along what has blessed me, in hopes that it will do the same for you.
